Can I Wake Up Now?...

     I had to stop folding laundry to just say this. I love the man I'm with, i'm worried for him, frankly i'm scared shitless... He means the world to me, and when he comes back to the states he WILL be safe and sound. These past few months have been hell on my mind. I just wanted to get the record straight as it can possibly be.

     I lost my great grandmother on September second of 10', yes it has been almost 2 years now, but to me this was the woman who taught me about love, and kisses, about the proper way to cut veggies, to make hot chocolate, and make cinnamon rolls. She taught me of faith, and that there is comfort there. I would sit for hours on her couch and listen to her tell stories of her parents, and great grandparents, and the people they were. I would sit in the mornings with her, and her friends Alberta (Aunt Birdie) and Barb, and listened as they would talk abound the table, reading magazines and drinking coffee. Some nights when I was very young her, my great grandpap, and a few of their friends would gather around the table and play cards. My gammy Dode was the sweetest woman I have ever known, and if the worst thing I can be is to be like her, then I think I am pretty lucky.

     I lost my great grandfather on Halloween of last year. He was the man who taught me how to garden, to can, how to enjoy a break when you have one, and to just enjoy the world around you. He taught me love, and that it sometimes means forgiving the people that it might be harder then even trying to forget them. Charles Lee Gillis was an honorable man who as I grew up was, with my Grandfather Harold were the closest things I had to father figures. He was strong, and kind, and the giant of my life, even just before he died I still couldn't wrap my arms around him, and had to look up at him. He was a tall man, and to my eyes someone I will always look up to and admire. Pappy Chuckie and days watching Ninja Warrior, or some stupid cartoon were the highlight of my childhood.

     And this January on the eleventh I lost one of the MOST important people in my life. I lost my baby brother. We were a year and six days apart, SIX. His hugs and smiles got me through everything. His words of comfort always mean the world to me, and then some. Even if it was just sitting watching him playing games on the computer, or surprising him in the morning, and attacking him with a mint mask, there would always be some sort of fun and crazy things we would go to. There would be days where we would just sit and watch foamy the squirrel and laugh, or some stupid video on YouTube. He was my best friend...He was the person I would always turn to when I had trouble, he  was the one who would hug me when I cried, and would put on silly faces and expressions just to make me laugh and feel better. It didn't ever matter what we did we always were fighting, but it never meant anything. We would clean the house taking turns listening to our favorite music videos, and then when we finished (I would end up doing most of the work anyway) we would go right back to funny videos and just crazy stupid things. It would be like battle of the music.

     I miss them so much. They were all part of me, and now those parts are gone...I feel like this giant part of me is missing...I miss them so much, and as I sit here and think. I'll never have any nieces or nephews, my children will never get to know their uncle who was one of the most wonderful funny men I have ever known. None of these people are going to get to meet my future children, and those children will never get to hug them, and see the awesome people who meant so much to me. I'm lost without them in my life...

     And to top all of this going on in my life, my significant other, and the love of my life on the Second of January left for deployment overseas. I worry about him every day, and think of him. I miss him every second, and look forward to him coming home ...When he does come home we are planning on moving to where he has the best job opportunity, but we have no clue where that is going to be yet, so I have no real way of planning, for anything in the next year...Its not that I don't like the adventure, its just hard for me to look at the situation, and not try to grip for some sort of control.

     I'm on Zoloft an anti-depressant to help control panic attacks, and my OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) because with all of this going on my compulsions have gotten three times worse, and I have been so bad that I had come to the point where I had four panic attacks in one week last month, and where if I didn't listen to anyone and wouldn't stop cleaning and rearranging the house, or scratching because I was so stressed, and overwhelmed...I'm also on Klonapin which is an anti-anxiety which I keep in my purse in case of a panic attack. These are to try and arrange my system so the impact isn't so hard... to be honest, I'm not sure if it is really working very well. This morning is a very, very, very bad morning.

     For those who don't know a panic attack is a moment where you feel can't breath, and your heart beats really fast, your mind is cloudy, and all you think of are those things that are upsetting you, even if you try to change your mind's point of view those other things surrounding your thoughts and push out anything positive, you cry, and you wheeze, and you shake, you feel like the world is closing in around you, and there is no way to stop it.

     Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, is this disorder where you have certain compulsions (things you have to do) and a certain number of times, and if you don't do those things your mind goes into this place that you think that terrible awful things are going to happen, and there is nothing you can do about it... For instance, by not unplugging the sweeper my mind could tell me that my whole family is going to die in a gruesome car crash, or something like that.

     I'm in pain, and doing the best I can to move forward with life, but just like anyone else I have my good days and bad days, but please oh please don't see my bad days for me not trying and giving in. I'm trying my damnest even during the bad days. Please oh please don't look at me as weak, and not strong enough to do this on my own, or with God's help. I am doing the best I possibly can, even though part of me keeps thinking that at any moment Chris is going to come through the door with Amber and give me a hug, or pappy Chuckie is going to call asking if we are going to be at the house for supper because gram made pumpkin pies, and Birdie made her famous pumpkin rolls.

     These are people I love and cherish. So what I'm going to tell you all is very important, forgive those you might be arguing with, try to reconnect with people you have lost touch with, spend time with that family member you have been just skimming over lately, SPEND TIME with your family, and the people you love, because you never know when they will be gone...

All Pictures Are Of My Collection