Voices

They speak to me. 

The words I read...

and the ones I write. 

Eyes well and heart aches. 

So many things speak to me...

Voices tearing me in different 

paths the one I choose always uncertain. 

Faith...

     A struggle of the voices coming to a head in a way where I am here and there, parts scattered about a base place and mind. Death and sickness seem to be the only constants in my life. Weather anyone will understand it or not I live in a constant state of mourning, absolute fear and panic. I don't know if I will go home to them one day...or I will be as lost then as I am at times now...
     I turned twenty one this week...I have lost one person a year for the past three years... It terrifies to think death, god, or both will take someone else from me this coming year...  I do not want to be a victim. I am not a victim... I am not afraid for myself, but for my family and those I care about... There have been far too many close calls, and way too much bad news... I cry often. Weather I let anyone see or not is another subject entirely.
     There is someone I care about for whom I worry greatly...I know they are trying to comfort and blow it off to remove the edge off, but at the same time that person has to know I know them well enough to see through their guise...
     I don't know if I cry in fear or in hope... The truth is, and has been that I don't know... I try to have faith, but everyday I see thing that lead me to fret and struggle to maintain any semblance of faith... I will continue to try... I will keep hoping, and praying...God...Mother Mary...please... just please watch after those I love especially in this time, and these following months, and the coming struggles...
    Help me if you  must, but please look after them, and help them to be healed of their ailments, and give them the strength to keep on though the hard times...I know that my motives at least in part are selfish, but even in that I still pray because these people are not just needed by me, but a family, and by friends, and by all those they have touched, and don't even see it.
    As far as I am considered I will keep working to get through, I will continue to hope even when I am lost and scared and angry. Run on sentences will be my friends, and I will keep holding strong... If there is anything these past few years have taught me its to maintain compassion, keep hope, and expand upon ties to family and friends...I will continue to struggle in faith, but eventually the way will be clear...
   I know this is a silly blog post and if it gets read no one will understand it, and thats alright...If heaven has the Internet I'm sure that the people this needs to get to will receive the message. That is all I want out of this message... If you find some comfort in this, or some knowledge then I'm glad, and I hope you will find hope, and healing...