Mourning/Grieving...

Sometimes it feels as if mourning has become a constant state in my life. 

It's sad, and life seems to always be confusing, but at the same time impossible to escape. 

Whether it be a the loss of someone I love...
A wounded heart...
or the feeling of sadness that accompanies the realization of fact; we all struggle. 

I feel I have to admit something tonight.
I've been a horrible person, 
I've started to resent others, as well as myself for these things, and for their inability to understand a situation they do not themselves take part in. I pray that no one will ever have to face these same demons. I also have started to resent myself for my own inability to "just get over it", or to be a stronger, better person in general.

 Matthew 5:4 - Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Many people have sent me this quote at various times over the past few years... However, it wasn't until recently that I understood it. It is not from others that we should expect comfort, and derive feelings of what our lives should ultimately become. When we seek comfort from other individuals its a series of well meant, but hollow statements. As I've stated in earlier posts, no one can understand your burden, it is yours to carry. I'm not saying to simply carry it upon our backs alone . In this instance the scripture is referring to God, and the comfort of faith. 

I will admit that this too was something that I resented for a long time, and may still very well do from time to time. Its hard to admit, but I think everyone goes through it. When we loose the people who mean the most to us it's hard not to question our faith... It's hard not to ask the questions we all find ourselves asking...

Why this person? 
Why not me? 
If God were good why would he let this happen to such good people? 
If God were real why would he let things like this happen? 

I can't offer perfect frames of advice, or sermons to make you raise your hands and thank God; but this is what I can offer you...It takes time, but healing does take place, just a tiny bit each day. Sometimes it feels like your the infant learning to roll around on the floor when you want to be running a track marathon, but you have to wait. Those days will come in time just like everything else in this world. I don't pretend to know what God thinks or knows; truly it's impossible to say. God by nature is a force not meant to be understood. Be thankful for what you do have... Yes you may have lost someone, and I would never belittle that in the slightest, you will in all likelihood never be the same person as you were before. The trick here is to look at the things you still have, and remember that there are people who still love you, and want to help you even if they do blunder about it at times. 

We're only human. We are going to make mistakes, we are going to think things that are cruel, angry, and do things that are just a little to impulsive for our own good. What needs to be understood here is that in those wrongs we need to find understanding of our own motives, apologize, and make sure to learn from the experience, coming out of it a larger person. 

I hate to say it but you will probably never fully recover. However, if you find yourself awake, and ready to face the day a new, then let it happen, its whats meant to be. You will find yourself feeling guilty for moving on, but it is okay to step forward. Just because you are not thinking of a person doesn't mean you have forgotten them. 

I say all this out of my own experiences, and every one's grief is different. To be honest I'm still grieving and its been almost 2 years since one, a full 2 years since another, and 3 years since the first. There are more smaller things in between I am trying to get past, but milestones must come from small achievements, and taking it one obstacle at a time.

Where I may still be resentful at times, I have come to stop and take a view back from a background perspective. What good is it going to do me or anyone else by acting out in such ways? Overall it doesn't do anyone any good.

Grieving like so many things is a process, and one that takes more time than most... Forgive yourself the small mistakes, and learn from your large ones. Thank God for what good fortune you do have, and pray that the bad will one day heal...

I have to apologize for this blog post that probably makes no sense, and is somewhat erratic. If you've read this far I greatly appreciate your time and I hope I provided some little nugget that will help you through your day.